Well then check this shit out. So I've got this nerf gun that kicks so much ass I can't handle it anymore. I know, like who am I, right? Wrong. With this gun I was everything. All of it. And you can too, if you buy it. I tell people that I'm going for more low-key blasters, that I need the money. But we all know that's bullshit. Truth is, my time with this proof-of-a-higher-power is up, and it's time for somebody to man the fuck up and take these barbed-wire reins.
So what exactly is this thing? You could say it resembles a Nerf Longshot, but only in the way the Kraken resembles a fucking appetizer of fried calamari (even WITH some dipping sauce). The last time this baby had anything in common with a standard Longshot was back in the Nerf uterus, where it fought to the death all of the other fetal Longshots. Just like a goddamn nurse shark. That's why you can't buy any Longshots anymore. This beast ate them in utero, bitches.
You know how a regular, wimp-shit Longshot might have an air-restrictor? This motherfucker wastes no time with that shit. Air flows as freely through the bowels of this monster as it does over the peaks of the Andes. That's some good airflow, man. Other longshots might have an unpadded plunger. This one? PADDED, bitches. SAFETY FIRST! But wait man, you might ask, what does all this matter if it doesn't have a decent spring to actually add power? My answer comes in two parts. First, FUCK YOU I'M DOING THE TALKING HERE. Second, I put the baddest assest aftermarket spring in this baby that your mom ever made. Yeah, your mom's a pretty talented spring crafter. This shit's such a beastmongering spring it eats other springs as hors d'oeuvres. Which means I had to replace some of the other supporting springs in the gun, JUST TO SATISFY THAT MOTHERFUCKER. And boy is it satisfied.
Speaking of satisfaction, what's more satisfying than pumping a round into the chamber and sending those fucking braineaters running before you even put your finger to the trigger? That shit's a rhetorical question. Y'know you can't do that with a regular Longshot. You just can't. But guess the fuck what. You can with mine. You know why? I in-fucking-corporated the pump-action mechanism from the old Longshot frontgun (yeah let's not even talk about that sad sack of shit of an accessory) into the main gun, so you can fucking pump those foam darts into that plastic chamber like it ain't NOBODY'S business. And hell, because I'm such a friggin' nice dude, I even kept one of the handles on for your good ol' fashion bolt-action fun. You're welcome, assholes.
So where does that leave us? ONE FRIGGIN AWESOME PANTSHIT-INDUCING EYEBALL-CLAWING CANCER-CURING ULTRA-TESTOSTERONIZED NERF FUCKING LONGSHOT. No air restrictor, super-charged spring, padded plunger, reinforced parts, shotgun-modded, ET-FUCKING-CETERA. Remember how I'm a nice guy? I'm even NICER. Imma give you a SCOPE. It doesn't zoom for shit and is actually kind of hard to see through, but you get to HAVE it. And a fucking bandoleer. You know who had a bandoleer? Chewbacca. Does any motherfucker mess with Chewbacca? NO. And, because I love you assholes so fucking much, I'm gonna do something awesome here. I'm gonna throw in some magazines. A shitton. And I'm not talking about the fucking Economist here. These mofo's hold SIX foam darts -- we're talking streamlines. I'll give you like four. Maybe more. Who gives a shit? Hell I'll even give you a fuckload of darts if you're goddamn polite, okay? Even better, I'm gonna included some original parts, like the original spring in case your mortal soul can't endure the Olympian fury I put in there.
So what's it gonna be, asshole? You gonna man up? Grab your balls and take action? Or whatever fucking counterpart females have. Cause if you want to vanquish some foes with the power of the Greek gods, you better speak the hell up. E-mail me at [email protected]
. Look at that, you got my name right there in my e-mail address so you can pen your correspondence with some bitchin' etiquette. Remember what I said about being polite, fuckers? Time's running out though, cause shit's going down to goddamn China Town starting Monday. Buy this rifle, nay, this extension of divine wrath now. May Cthulhu have mercy on your soul.